


i can't handle change

by aobuta



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: F/M, Kind of angsty, ricky-focused, super minor ricky/nini because their rs is canon and i didn't want to exclude parts of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:21:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22408615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aobuta/pseuds/aobuta
Summary: Ricky grows up, with or without family.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Kudos: 57





	i can't handle change

Ricky is 14 when the fights first started. 

No, they weren’t fights, really. They were arguments, quarrels, squabbles—he never really liked the word “fights,” never really thought it applied to his parents, never thought that they would be unsolvable.

So, Ricky is 14 when the arguments, quarrels, squabbles first started.

They were never about anything big, but they themselves weren’t anything small either. Maybe the situations could be considered small, maybe they had just blown it out of proportion once and that was it. Maybe that was it. That’s what 14-year-old Ricky thought at the time, never forgetting the glares being shot across the room, not aimed at him but affecting him, nonetheless. It never happened once, or twice, or three times. It kept happening, kept circling, and kept affecting Ricky.

Maybe he took being 13 for granted.

It wasn’t hard for him to blame himself; no, it wasn’t hard at all, if he were to be perfectly honest. His therapist tells him that it isn’t and never will be his fault, but what can she do about the thoughts in his head? What can she do when he’s drowning in his mind? What can she do then? What can she do when  _ he _ can’t do anything? Anything besides growing up.

So, Ricky grows up. That’s all he can do, really.

He still remembers the first fight—argument, quarrel, squabble,  _ whatever _ —and he still remembers his tears, his clenched teeth, his palms around his ears. If he thinks about it too much, they hurt. His ears, that is. But everything else, too. Everything else still hurts for a while.

He still remembers the first time that his dad stormed out, the  _ thumpthumpthump _ that just seemed to grow bigger and louder and bigger and louder with every single step away. Even when he turned his music up, nothing could swallow those  _ thumps _ , nothing could swallow his thoughts, nothing could swallow his mom’s sobs. So, he swallows. He swallows the lump in his throat, the tears in his eyes, and he grows up. 

Change was never his strong suit. When he first threw out his teddy bear, he cried. He had cried for a week, thinking of the memories that he’d spent with it, thinking of how  _ happy _ he was when he first got it. If growing up means getting rid of everything he ever loved, he didn’t want it. But he can’t do anything about the days passing, the weeks passing, and the years following suit. 

Has his mom grown up yet? Has his dad grown up yet? They hadn’t gotten rid of each other yet.

It’s the  _ yet _ that keeps him going, keeps him crying, keeps him wondering.

He still thinks he went wrong somewhere in his life, maybe he set them off, maybe they were arguing about him. Sometimes people aren’t meant to be together. So, why did they get together? Why did they trick Ricky into thinking he’d have a  _ home _ ? 

Maybe he blames himself. Maybe he blames them. Maybe he blames the world. 

It’s just not  _ fucking _ fair is what he thinks. It’s not fair that his parents broke their hearts without his permission. He never said that it was okay for them to break his heart. He never said that it was okay for any of this to happen. Ricky’s heart was  _ his _ to break. But they broke his heart, and all he can do is watch them break their own hearts even further.

To say that he wanted a divorce would be a lie. What he wanted was for everything to go back to normal, back to when he was 13 and being taken into the skate park, hand in hand with each of his parents. He had two parents, two hands, and now, his hands were empty. He hates the feeling.

But then they divorce.

He finds out about the split weeks before, actually, and he can’t stop thinking about it. At this point, he’s all alone. It’s not finalized yet, so he sees his mom. She only returns for the split, doesn’t return for him or his dad, doesn’t return for the family. Are they still a family now? Unofficially, sure.

Still, he misses her. He really does miss her. The constant trips outside of the state, the lack of messages being sent across their phones, the pauses of silence during calls. His dad’s a wreck during these times, but what can he do about it? He’s a wreck, too.

Ricky’s still growing up. He can’t be responsible for his family, not when they can’t be responsible for themselves. So, he does what he does best. He looks the other way and does what he believes he should be doing. And that’s being a normal 16-year-old, fulfilling his life to the fullest, without any burdens.

He hates to call this situation a burden, but it’s the only thing he can reduce it to. His mental health trickles down with every second he spends tossing and turning in his bed, on Red’s floor, on Nini’s couch. He can never sleep these days, not when he’s constantly  _ thinking _ . So, he shows up to school, bloodshot eyes and all, and continues on.

Maybe if someone looks hard enough, they can see the tremble in his hands, the shakiness in his smile, the hesitance in his actions. But he’s always been good at hiding things, always used to pretending that everything is alright. 

And then everything’s not alright.

He sobs into his pillow at night, sobs until his breaths turn into gasps for air, sobs until his bedroom door creaks open. His dad’s not in the best spot, either, but he’s trying. He’s trying for Ricky and Ricky sobs into his arms, sobs when he sees the stained tears on his dad’s cheeks, sobs until he falls asleep in his embrace.

When he talks to Nini about it, he can’t hide anything anymore. Not when she’s looking at him with so much care, so much tenderness, so much hurt for  _ him _ . But he hates to be a burden, doesn’t want to define himself the same way he’s defined his family, and leaves. He’s left her once before, another type of heartbreak he’s experienced, and he leaves her again. He hates proving himself wrong, hates breaking promises that he knew he could never keep.

And then she calls them a family. He thinks about it when he goes home, remembering all of the new faces that he’s met over the span of a year, and he agrees. This is the most family he’s had in a while. This is the happiest he’s been in a while. He hopes that it’s a permanent experience for him, a revival that picks back from where his emotions zoned out years ago.

When he sees his parents in the crowd of his first musical, he’s the lightest he’s ever been. They seem happy, too, with the way that they embrace in a friendly manner. It’s nothing like their fights before, nothing like Ricky remembers past 14. This could be a new memory for them, maybe a new start, even.

Except there’s Todd. Todd, the boyfriend. Todd, the replacement. The better one, it seems, according to his mom’s choice. He shows up and Ricky all but breaks down in front of hundreds of people that don’t know him nor his past, only know that he’s not making an impressive show to watch. Nini’s presence isn’t around, and the thought of that makes Ricky feel worse than he knew was possible. Out of these hundreds of people,  _ she _ knew.

He doesn’t mean to blow up in front of his mother. He doesn’t mean to make her hurt the way that he’s been hurt. He hates the idea of inflicting that pain on someone, whether or not they deserve it. He doesn’t think she deserves it, but he does it anyway. He hurts her, and he can feel the disappointment sinking from his mind to his everything when he’s away from her.

Then Gina appears and pushes him. She pushes him to watch what he’s stepped back to see. It’s not the first time that she’s flipped the situation, but he can’t help but think about how he can’t do anything about hers. But she gives him a small smile, leads him into the audience, and he finds himself back up there—back where he didn’t know he could be, back into a place where he could be happy. 

And all Ricky can think is that it’s  _ home _ . This stage is home, the people around him are home, the experience is and will continue to be home. He doesn’t want it to end, doesn’t want to wake up one day and have it all be over. 

So, he wishes. He wishes on the many stars in the night sky, the many stars in the galaxy, and the many, many, many stars in his family’s eyes. He never wants to lose them, he tells the stars. He hopes that the stars are listening. 

**Author's Note:**

> felt like writing something sad with a happy ending and i just really love ricky's character in general......... yeah, that's pretty much it.
> 
> title is from roar's i can't handle change! (one of the saddest songs i have ever listened to, but sooooo good)


End file.
